divorce help: Save your marriage now! Divorce-busters that work [2]
PROBLEM: MY SPOUSE IS SPENDING ALL OUR MONEY!
By some twist of fate (or cruel act of nature), the big spender and the penny-pincher generally find themselves joined at the hip, proving that opposites attract--even when it comes to spending habits.
Take newlyweds Michael and Bridget for example.
Every payday Michael buys fancy clothes and expensive gifts for himself and Bridget. However, Bridget is very conservative with her money, and she always waits for a good sale.
Under Bridget's watch, the couple's bills are paid on time, but Michael always manages to spend more than they agreed to. Fed up with Bridget's strict family budget, Michaels rebels by buying a brand new SUV behind Bridget's back. His big-ticket purchase nearly lands them in divorce court.
SOLUTION: Call in an intermediary, someone who can help you set realistic budgetary goals and make your financial decisions together, advises New York matrimonial lawyer Robert Stephan Cohen, author of Reconcilable Differences: 7 Keys to Remaining Together From a Top Matrimonial Lawyer.
Cohen notes that couples can "achieve financial harmony by customizing your budget and finances to fit both of your money-management styles."
PROBLEM: MY SPOUSE DOESN'T MEET MY EXPECTATIONS.
It's believed that a woman enters a marriage hoping to change her man, and a man enters the marriage hoping that his woman doesn't change; and such mis-matched expectations can kill any relationship, experts say.
In Chattanooga, Tenn., Dr. Rozario Slack, director of fathering and urban initiatives for First Things First, a not-for-profit organization dedicated to strengthening families, has counseled a couple whose marriage recovered from unrealistic expectations. He also is pastor of the Temple of Faith Deliverance Church of God in Christ.
"The young lady came from a single-parent home, and her mother taught her to be self-sufficient because men could not be trusted," Dr. Slack explains. "She fell in love with a young man who also came from a single-parent home, but he vowed that he would be a committed, dedicated, faithful husband because he witnessed what his mother had gone through. So in this marriage, the young lady doesn't trust her husband because she expects him to let her down, and the young man feels very disrespected, that all of his efforts to please her are in vain."
SOLUTION: Try to form realistic expectations about your spouse, and adjust your expectations accordingly.
"You must learn to avoid generalizing your mate," advises Dr. Slack. "A parent has tainted your viewpoint and you have to forgive that parent for loading you down with that unrealistic burden."
PROBLEM: MY SPOUSE NO LONGER HAS TIME FOR ME.
In Anytown, USA, it's typical to find busy couples like Robert and Keisha who pass each other by like strangers in the night. Keisha works a 9-to-5, picks up their son from the day care and then heads home to prepare dinner for the family. After dinner, Keisha cleans up the kitchen and puts their child to bed before she gets herself prepared for the next day's grind. Meanwhile, Robert also works a 9-to-5, but then he comes home and sits in his favorite chair, watches his favorite program and waits to be served dinner. When Robert is in the mood for love, Keisha isn't interested because she's burned out and frustrated that Robert isn't pulling his weight around the house.
Robert feels that Keisha puts him last on her "to do" list. At the end of the day, they both feel neglected.
SOLUTION: Steal time for romance. "Keep [romance] on your agenda no matter how heavy your workload," suggests Jel D. Lewis Jones, author of The African American Woman's Guide to Great Sex Happiness and Marital Bliss. "You can turn everyday events into little celebrations and opportunities to express love for your partner. A tiny bit of forethought can turn the ordinary into the special."
PROBLEM: MY SPOUSE IS NOT COMMITTED TO MAKING IT WORK.
Every day for the past four years, Joe comes home from work and kicks his shoes off at the front door, leaving dirty scuff marks on the living room wall. Every other day, Joe's wife Mary has confronted him about it. In the very beginning, Joe tried very hard to refrain from kicking off his shoes, but if he slipped up, Mary would suddenly appear, wagging her finger in his face, and calling him everything but a child of God. Eventually, Joe got so fed up with Mary's mouth that he dreaded coming home at all, while Mary got so fed up with cleaning scuff marks off the wall that she dreamed of leaving scuff marks on Joe's behind.
If you ask them, Joe and Mary would readily admit they are equally yoked, have two great kids and are still wildly attracted to each other. Joe and Mary have a very blessed union by all accounts, but they are this close to throwing it all away because Mary doesn't feel that she can be committed to Joe any longer.
SOLUTION: If you want your marriage to work, you have to commit yourself to the marriage, not to your spouse, according to Detroit psychologist Dr. Paris M. Finner-Williams.
"You can't be committed just to the man or the woman you're with," Dr. Paris M. Finner-Williams says. "Those who understand what it means to be committed to the institution of marriage will be able to tolerate and endure anything. If you've invested substantial time and money into the marriage, you're more willing to hang in there; you're more likely to come to a resolution or to overlook certain [insignificant] things in order to keep your investment. When you are committed to the marriage, you understand that your marriage is the purifying vessel that perfects you as a person."
Although there is no surefire way to divorce-proof every union, experts say that honest communication--with an emphasis on friendship and partnership--can help you to revive your marriage and maintain your very own happiness ever after.
COPYRIGHT 2005 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2005 Gale Group
By some twist of fate (or cruel act of nature), the big spender and the penny-pincher generally find themselves joined at the hip, proving that opposites attract--even when it comes to spending habits.
Take newlyweds Michael and Bridget for example.
Every payday Michael buys fancy clothes and expensive gifts for himself and Bridget. However, Bridget is very conservative with her money, and she always waits for a good sale.
Under Bridget's watch, the couple's bills are paid on time, but Michael always manages to spend more than they agreed to. Fed up with Bridget's strict family budget, Michaels rebels by buying a brand new SUV behind Bridget's back. His big-ticket purchase nearly lands them in divorce court.
SOLUTION: Call in an intermediary, someone who can help you set realistic budgetary goals and make your financial decisions together, advises New York matrimonial lawyer Robert Stephan Cohen, author of Reconcilable Differences: 7 Keys to Remaining Together From a Top Matrimonial Lawyer.
Cohen notes that couples can "achieve financial harmony by customizing your budget and finances to fit both of your money-management styles."
PROBLEM: MY SPOUSE DOESN'T MEET MY EXPECTATIONS.
It's believed that a woman enters a marriage hoping to change her man, and a man enters the marriage hoping that his woman doesn't change; and such mis-matched expectations can kill any relationship, experts say.
In Chattanooga, Tenn., Dr. Rozario Slack, director of fathering and urban initiatives for First Things First, a not-for-profit organization dedicated to strengthening families, has counseled a couple whose marriage recovered from unrealistic expectations. He also is pastor of the Temple of Faith Deliverance Church of God in Christ.
"The young lady came from a single-parent home, and her mother taught her to be self-sufficient because men could not be trusted," Dr. Slack explains. "She fell in love with a young man who also came from a single-parent home, but he vowed that he would be a committed, dedicated, faithful husband because he witnessed what his mother had gone through. So in this marriage, the young lady doesn't trust her husband because she expects him to let her down, and the young man feels very disrespected, that all of his efforts to please her are in vain."
SOLUTION: Try to form realistic expectations about your spouse, and adjust your expectations accordingly.
"You must learn to avoid generalizing your mate," advises Dr. Slack. "A parent has tainted your viewpoint and you have to forgive that parent for loading you down with that unrealistic burden."
PROBLEM: MY SPOUSE NO LONGER HAS TIME FOR ME.
In Anytown, USA, it's typical to find busy couples like Robert and Keisha who pass each other by like strangers in the night. Keisha works a 9-to-5, picks up their son from the day care and then heads home to prepare dinner for the family. After dinner, Keisha cleans up the kitchen and puts their child to bed before she gets herself prepared for the next day's grind. Meanwhile, Robert also works a 9-to-5, but then he comes home and sits in his favorite chair, watches his favorite program and waits to be served dinner. When Robert is in the mood for love, Keisha isn't interested because she's burned out and frustrated that Robert isn't pulling his weight around the house.
Robert feels that Keisha puts him last on her "to do" list. At the end of the day, they both feel neglected.
SOLUTION: Steal time for romance. "Keep [romance] on your agenda no matter how heavy your workload," suggests Jel D. Lewis Jones, author of The African American Woman's Guide to Great Sex Happiness and Marital Bliss. "You can turn everyday events into little celebrations and opportunities to express love for your partner. A tiny bit of forethought can turn the ordinary into the special."
PROBLEM: MY SPOUSE IS NOT COMMITTED TO MAKING IT WORK.
Every day for the past four years, Joe comes home from work and kicks his shoes off at the front door, leaving dirty scuff marks on the living room wall. Every other day, Joe's wife Mary has confronted him about it. In the very beginning, Joe tried very hard to refrain from kicking off his shoes, but if he slipped up, Mary would suddenly appear, wagging her finger in his face, and calling him everything but a child of God. Eventually, Joe got so fed up with Mary's mouth that he dreaded coming home at all, while Mary got so fed up with cleaning scuff marks off the wall that she dreamed of leaving scuff marks on Joe's behind.
If you ask them, Joe and Mary would readily admit they are equally yoked, have two great kids and are still wildly attracted to each other. Joe and Mary have a very blessed union by all accounts, but they are this close to throwing it all away because Mary doesn't feel that she can be committed to Joe any longer.
SOLUTION: If you want your marriage to work, you have to commit yourself to the marriage, not to your spouse, according to Detroit psychologist Dr. Paris M. Finner-Williams.
"You can't be committed just to the man or the woman you're with," Dr. Paris M. Finner-Williams says. "Those who understand what it means to be committed to the institution of marriage will be able to tolerate and endure anything. If you've invested substantial time and money into the marriage, you're more willing to hang in there; you're more likely to come to a resolution or to overlook certain [insignificant] things in order to keep your investment. When you are committed to the marriage, you understand that your marriage is the purifying vessel that perfects you as a person."
Although there is no surefire way to divorce-proof every union, experts say that honest communication--with an emphasis on friendship and partnership--can help you to revive your marriage and maintain your very own happiness ever after.
COPYRIGHT 2005 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2005 Gale Group
