divorce help

There are many reasons for a divorce, and it may be the last choice made by many. In some cases, it can be a decision that is hard for both parties to agree on. They have tried all that they can but they cannot seem to make the marriage work. For this reason it is called a no fault divorce in the courtroom. For other divorces where one or both of the parties have done something to cause the need for divorce, it is referred to as a fault divorce.

A fault divorce may be granted when the proper grounds are there and at least one spouse asks that the divorce be granted on the grounds of fault. Not all states allow fault divorces. There are traditional reasons for fault divorces. Some of them include the following.

Cruelty to one of the spouses is another cause. This is when one spouse will inflict unnecessary emotional or physical pain on the other spouse. This is the most usual cause for divorce. Adultery is another. This is when one of the spouses has an affair on the other spouse. This is another very popular reason why people end up getting divorced with a fault decision.

Desertion can also be determined as a fault divorce. This is when one party leaves the other for a certain length of time. This usually means that one spouse moves out of the home and lives independently or with another person. They will leave the other spouse to live on their own and not want to be with that person anymore.

If a person is confined to prison for a certain number of years, this can mean grounds for divorce by the spouse that is free. They can determine that they want to end the marriage and start the necessary divorce proceedings. Another reason may be if one party has an inability to engage in sexual intercourse, as long as it was not disclosed before the marriage took place.

The reason to choose a fault divorce is because some people do not want to wait. They do not want to have a separation required by their state’s law for fault divorce. In some states, a spouse who proves the other person is at fault, this may end up getting them a greater share of the marital property or more alimony. This is why the fault divorce is so popular these days.

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Your marriage is in trouble, and you know that even though you want to get it all over with that you still love your partner and that you will probably regret your actions in the near future, the action needed is clear- you need to prevent divorce.

Divorce is not the answer, and rushing into one is a big mistake, the divorce process will eliminate your chances of rebuilding your relationship, so you better consider this move carefully and be absolutely sure that you have exhausted all the means and ways to improve your relationship.

Your spouse does not understand you, and both of you are not communicating any more, it seems as though there is a huge gap between you, that even the smallest things makes you upset about each other, and that what was once easy and fun has now become unbearable. Preventing divorce is not about compromise, preventing divorce is about rediscovering your relationship.

The changes in relationships seem almost impossible, from once passionate lovers that could not bare being apart couples change into two different people that sometimes seek the opportunity to be as separate from one another as possible. The dangers of the growing distance between couple raises questions in their minds and in many cases this ends in a divorce.

Every person is different, every couple has its own unique story, but the bottom line is usually this – one or both partners think that it is impossible to turn the relationship into something that will flourish again, with the hope of regaining the love of the other lost the partners turn into the simplest and what seems like the easiest solution, instead of fighting and arguing over and over again, the clean cut divorce looks like a good solution.

Sometimes and in some cases this is probably the best way to go, divorce for some couples is the best answer to a hopeless situation. But if you are one of the many people who feel that not all hope is gone and that you wish to continue building the relationship you have with your partner, who at a certain time was the closest to you, this is the place to start looking inwards and outwards and work to regain your harmoniums loving relationship once again.

Good relationships start with good communication, it is almost sure that you once had a relationship with good communication, you can probably remember the days when you didn’t have enough time with your spouse to talk about all the plans you had for your life and to share your thoughts? How long has it been now? How many years since you last had a really good communication exchange? After you’ve exhausted the discussion about the children’s schedule, who has to drop off the dry cleaning and when you will visit your in-laws, do you find yourself at a loss for words?

You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with either of you. You are probably just mired in everyday life and because your daily schedule is so hectic, over the years you simply ran out of time for casual and enjoyable discussion. And, now you can’t even remember how to even talk to your spouse, stopping or preventing a divorce will mean that you will need to rethink the way you communicate.

Good communication is not so hard and it is vital for preventing a divorce, it is just plain simple work, until you get used to it. Instead of talking about the regular things, you will need to think a little harder and try a lot harder. Talk about real things, not the work routine and the children’s activities think of things you want to talk about, you’ll find yourself anxious to get home to share the information with your spouse. Avoid the topics that do not interest you spouse, remember that this is about the both of you, and what you find interesting, just finding this topic will earn you points for trying, do not plan ahead too much – just let yourself into a discussion about things you have not discussed for long.

Listen to the news in the morning or on your way to work. When you are listening, try to focus on those things you think your spouse would find interesting. What would she tell you about? Then ask her if she heard the story, and what she thought about it.

Talk about things you want to plan or do over the next month or two. Vacation planning is a good topic, but only if you are both looking forward to going and if you are both actively involved in planning for the vacation.

Preventing divorce is a complicated issue – not impossible one. You will need to invest time and energy into you marriage now, and do everything you can to prevent divorce. Good luck!

John Furnem is a dot com veteran, specializing in personality psychology he has written articles and held workshops/seminars for stress management and divorce prevention. John currently writes divorce prevention advice on http://stopdivorce.zupatips.com.

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The healing process is different for each person but generally includes the five steps listed below:

1. First is denial. This is really not happening to me. You may wish to think everything will be fine – nothing has changed. Accepting that the marriage is really over may feel devastating.

2. Dealing with the emotional pain. Not just denying it. You may feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster. Feelings may include sadness, anger, fear, loneliness plus dozens of other feelings. You may feel like your heart is breaking. It may even be hard to get to work or to take care of daily tasks. Unfortunately this is usually also the time that all the legal work and finances and child custody issues need to be taken care of.

3. Discovering who you are all over again. As a single person you are not the same person you were when you entered this relationship. What do you like to do now? What do you like about yourself? You may even need to rediscover simple things like what type of food you really like to eat or rediscovering hobbies or trying new activities. What do you like to do now?

4. Understanding your part in why the marriage did not work. At this time, this may not seem necessary or possible to you. This is not about blaming yourself or your spouse but about learning and growing as a person and improving your chances for a better relationship. You may wish to restore relationships with your family and children if necessary. To make peace with the past and forgive yourself and others. Forgiving does not mean forgetting or allowing yourself to get hurt all over again. Forgiving is for YOUR benefit.

5. Moving on!!! Finally after you have dealt with the past and the pain and understood your part in what happened and know who you are and what you want to do in life and you’ve actually started to feel good about yourself (Yes, this can actually happen!) It’s time to move on. It’s time to put the past behind you and move forward to look ahead to the life that awaits you.

Many people would like to move straight from step 1 denial to step 5 putting the past behind. Failure to complete the healing process could be why the divorce rate for second marriages is estimated at 60% or higher than the divorce rate for first marriages.

As a therapist I run many of the divorce recovery programs at SLS. I also work with many individuals who are in the process of healing from a divorce. We heal best with the support of others. The healthier you are and the more you know about yourself the more likely your next relationship is to succeed or you may find that do not wish to be in a relationship and that is ok also! Being divorced does not have to ruin the rest of your life. If necessary seek help and be willing to do the work of healing. What you do with the rest of your life is up to you.

Barnes’ diverse background includes a seminary degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pastoral Counseling and a license as a Mental Health Counselor providing a foundation for her extensive experience and training in marriage counseling.

Barnes has taught divorce recovery programs for six years and has written numerous articles on relationships and divorce as well as given a variety of talks and led workshops on divorce and relationships.

With a focus is on relationships, both personal and professional, Ms. Barnes is considered a gentle, compassionate listener who assists individuals, couples and families in finding practical solutions. She helps people develop their own strengths and find greater possibilities and options for their lives. For more information go to: http://www.lifeoptions.us

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A married woman becomes a single woman for one of two reasons: death or divorce. The former is an honourable state, the latter is not.

When a woman loses her husband to death the neighbours all rally round and provide meals and any help they can give with regard to household repairs or cleaning or anything that is needed. They are willing to provide comfort and a shoulder to cry on. They are available for the widow and they include her in their activities, feeling sorry for her that she is now so alone.

However, things are quite different when a marriage ends due to infidelity or marital breakdown. That immediately plunges a woman into a new category. She is transformed, instantaneously it seems,from a married woman to a divorcee. Becoming one of many, part of a group of used and discarded women, seen as suspect by all those who are still safely ensconced in the womb of their marriage.

People tend to withdraw from her. Invitations to get togethers cease. It appears that women think their husbands might be attracted to the idea of an “available woman” and so the women who used to be friends withdraw and leave her alone with her tears and her fears. There are no meals prepared and no offers of help. Husbands are kept at home just in case, for such is the image portrayed of a divorcee. The husbands might not be safe. She might cause the destruction of other marriages.

We read jokes all the time about the lonely divorcee who invites the mailman, the milkman, or the Maytag repairman into her home with the intent of seducing him. (A joke made up, I am sure, by a man who has never known the humiliation and pain of being a divorcee.) Perhaps she even seduces them one right after the other, for such is the life of the “gay divorcee”, isn’t it? Freed from the bonds of marriage, with unmet needs and desires, divorcees are wanting to fill the void; or at least that is the popular image. And so in place of invitations to parties or neighbourhood barbeques which were formerly were issued to the couple and their family, there is an empty mailbox, and the phone stays quiet. She checks it every now and then to make sure it is still working.

The divorcee begins to feel as though she no longer exists; as if, because she is no longer half of a relationship, she ceases to be a part of the neighbourhood. Women who used to call her friend no longer call. Her children are not invited to play with the neighbours’ children. Perhaps the women feel they would be contaminated by the disease of divorce, as if it were a virus that could be caught, or maybe they just don’t know how to talk to a newly divorced woman. A divorced man, on the other hand, is often seen as more eligible and is a welcome addition to many parties. His social life may increase, and because he usually does not have the children, his disposable income is often enough to keep him comfortably.

However, life goes on. The bills still have to be paid, the kids still have to be fed and they have to be clothed. Family chores that were done by two are now done by one. If the children are old enough, they can chip in and help with the household duties such as dishes and meal preparation and housecleaning. Because of the reduction in income, the divorcee is often forced to seek employment and then she has two jobs; one inside and one outside the home.

Sometimes the inside life doesn’t change much. For those who had husbands who simply went to work and came home at night expecting to be waited on, their workload is reduced by one person, so this can be a blessing. But the availability of a backup when she is really tired and the kids are really obnoxious is a problem. She has to deal with all the problems, tired or not.

Because she has been ostracized by her neighbours she seeks out other divorcees for companionship, often building relationships and forming deep bonds that last for years as they share the day to day problems and achievements. They get together with their kids and pool their resources for family dinners. They support each other in job searches, in the handling of problems, in the fights with their exes. They listen to each other and care for each other’s children.

Sometimes, because of the great reduction in income, divorcees are forced to apply for an allowance from the provincial government. This is known as welfare or Mother’s Allowance. There they are told that they have no right to have a phone or a car, or any of the things they consider necessities but the government considers luxuries, such as a heating bill over the allotted amount. Widows, on the other hand, usually receive a pension from their husband’s estate which they can spend however they want, with no rules. The divorcees are told to sell the car and get rid of the phone, even if they are out in the country. If they have a house, they might have to give it up and move the children to a new area. Sometimes, in order to survive, they may use credit cards to buy the things they feel they need for their kids for school and other activities. They may not be able to send their kids on school trips or buy the clothes that the kids need to fit in and so their kids may be ridiculed because of the way they dress. When the kids come home crying, they often feel guilty and wonder if they couldn’t have worked things out better with their ex-husbands. They cry but try to hide the tears from their children, not wanting to upset them.

When the divorcee ventures into the realms of the full-time employee instead of part-time, she must find a babysitter for her kids, arrange everyone’s schedule and settle into her new lifestyle. She tries to find a boss who is willing to let her attend the various special events at her children’s school and cries silently to herself when she is unable to attend a day graduation due to work, or when she is unable to see her children receive sports awards, but she knows that she is doing the best she can. She attends what she can in the evenings and on weekends and hopes it is enough.

As the divorcee settles into life on her own, she may begin to find advantages such as being able to go where she wants, when she wants and with whom she wants. She has only to consider herself, and her kids, if she has any. Eventually the heartaches will ease a little and the divorcee will reach out to others a little more, perhaps even being willing to take the risk of dating another man.

Her circumstances may not have changed a lot. She still struggles to pay bills, to provide for her kids, yet she finds her life is full. Not the rumoured life of the gay divorcee, replete with men or with parties and wild living, but one of love for her kids, and perhaps of studying for a degree while working in a fulfilling career where helping others. She has weathered the storms of life and feels that she has come out on top. Her children move on to their own homes and to employment. Perhaps her eldest has his dream job, that of webmaster and service technician. Another may become the youngest Inventory Control Manager and the only female one in Eastern Ontario for a large soft drink company. Another, with a child of her own, may work part-time and plan to return to school to take an Esthetics course. Her children could be very involved in hockey, perhaps playing at the AA level or Junior A level which requires a lot of travelling and sacrifice of personal time. But to her it is all worth it to watch her child score the winning goal and to see the smile on his face as he turns from the net. Her heart swells with pride as his teammates congratulate him and the parents lean over to say how well he played.

Yes, life continues after divorce, the pain and heartache suffered in the beginning eventually fade somewhat and the divorcee finds the strength to survive and, more than that, to move on to whatever the future has in store.

For more poetry and stories you can go to Fran's webpage http://www.franwatson.ca

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The very first thing you must realize is that you will not die because of divorce. It has happened to millions of people before you and it will happen to millions of people after you.

Although divorce cause severe emotional pain, you must believe that you will get over it. Of course, it takes time, but you will eventually recover and find love again. It is very important that you understand this.

It is crucial to understand that the marriage is over. It is vital that you immediately let go of the other person and begin setting your own life in order.

You must not think about pain or dwell upon what was yesterday. The more you think about the past the worse it will hurt, and the longer it will take for you to recover.

You must think about yourself. You cannot allow yourself to just sit and waste away. You need to take hold of yourself and go on living.

In order to counter bad feelings, you must keep yourself busy - clean your house, wash your car, write out a budget, study or go to work. Keep yourself moving and working on the kinds of things that make you happy.

It is extremely important that you express the feelings of anger you are carrying or they will eat you alive. The best way to deal with anger is to know exactly what you are angry about and then choose the most suitable way to express your anger to the person that has made you angry.

Another important thing in recovering from a divorce is to eliminate the feelings of guilt from your mind as quickly as they come into sight. Simply tell yourself that your marriage did not work out. You must forget about your ex as quickly as you possibly can!

Of course all of this is much easier said than done, but these things you must do, and you must do them right away.

To recover from the trauma of divorce, you must allow enough time for the healing process to be completed and be positive that tomorrow will be a happier day for you.

Alex Fir shares a wealth of information on his website http://www.divorce-information-center.info. If you want to learn more about divorce help visit Divorce Help Center today.

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Divorce is one of the most painful processes that a couple can go through because it is a process where fault is established and it is also where the custody of the children and assets are fought for, which are both emotionally and psychologically taxing. Given this, there has been a lot that has been written on how people can better prepare or deal with the divorce proceedings, which include advice on how to plan a strategy on how assets can be divided. Although these have helped people deal with the process of divorce better, they only cover the period up to when a final settlement is reached and they seem to overlook the “after,” wherein people who just got divorced also need advice on how to move on with their lives.

Healing process

A divorce can be described as a “break” or a “wounding process” wherein relationships are severed, which could leave a painful wound for those who have decided to part ways. Given this, there is a need for people to be guided on how to begin and undertake a healing process so that they can move on with their lives. As with any “break,” the first step that people should take is to allow themselves to grieve the loss that they have just experienced. This is an important first step, as this would allow a person to feel and move through the emotional pain of losing someone. In some cases it would be helpful to document such feelings in a journal as a means of venting them.

The next step in the process is to muster enough determination and decide to heal, to forgive the other party and to move on with their lives. This is also an essential step as this can free a person from feeling anger and bitterness for the rest of his life as a result of the divorce. In addition, doing so can also open up other opportunities for growth and healing. Lastly and more importantly, people who have just gone through a divorce would also do well to surround themselves with a healthy support system who would support them in the healing process. This is very important as having people who care about them can provide the motivation to stay the course of healing from a divorce.

Going through a divorce can be very painful, but moving on after a divorce can be equally as painful. Given this, people who have just gone through a divorce also need advice and guidance on how they can undergo the healing process of grieving, deciding to forgive, and getting the needed support so that they can move on with their lives.

Divorce provides detailed information on Divorce, Divorce Advice, Divorce Attorneys, Divorce Mediation and more. Divorce is affiliated with Signs Of Infidelity.

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Katherine (Kate) Loader studied for her law degree at and graduated from University College London in 2000. She completed her Legal Practice course at Staffordshire University in 2003 winning the "outstanding performance" award from the Law Society for her performance on that course.

Kate undertook her training contract with Moseleys and joined the firm as an assistant solicitor in December 2004. Kate worked within family law departments for four years prior to the commencement of her training contract as a legal assistant and so, although newly qualified, she has a breadth of experience beyond her qualification date.

Kate works in the family law department and specialises in non-molestation orders and contact and residence issues and divorce proceedings as well as undertaking some ancillary relief work.

Kate also assists Robin Heslop with some civil applications and court work.

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Watts McCray is a specialist Family Law firm with offices in Sydney, Parramatta and Canberra. The firm commenced in 1984 and quickly developed a reputation as a leader in Family Law.
Since the commencement of the firm we have gained considerable experience dealing with Family Law cases overseas and Family Law matters in Australia for persons living overseas. Watts McCray has represented clients in major Family Law cases throughout Europe, Asia and the US. We act for a large number of professional and business clients working overseas in a variety of management and professional roles.

To serve the needs of overseas clients and Australian clients with processes overseas, we have developed the Watts McCray International Team.

The International Team is led by Partner Justin Dowd who has acted for clients in many overseas jurisdictions including the UK, the US and Asia. Justin is a Fellow of International Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (IAML), one of 16 Solicitors in Australia admitted to that organisation and has developed links with many overseas Family Lawyers. Justin is also a Public Notary for NSW and therefore able to notarise documents for overseas use.
Divorce Online
In addition to our conventional legal services, we have developed an online divorce application service, www.divorce.com.au to enable our clients to make divorce applications online and to obtain timely advice on Family Law issues. We are the only specialist Family Law firm in Australia to offer such a service. Users of that service include many expatriate Australians, particularly business people in Asia, the United Kingdom and the United States.

Communication
We recognise the need for overseas clients to be able to communicate with their Lawyer easily. We have a discreet email address internationalfamilylawyer@wattsmccray.com.au for direct contact to the International Team.

Languages
We know that to communicate effectively an understanding of your language is necessary. Individuals within our firm speak the following languages:

Mandarin
Cantonese
Japanese
Malay
Italian
Bahasa Indonesian
In addition and where necessary we have ready access to an interpreter service and document translation service.


Useful Links
International Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (IAML)
Divorce.com.au
Interpreter Services - Community Relations Commission (CRC)
Family Court
Federal Magistrates Court

How to Contact Us
Contact Justin Dowd who heads up our International Team for further advice and help at internationalteam@wattsmccray.com.au or by calling +61 2 9635 4266.


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© 2004 Watts McCray. All Rights Reserved

It's a well known fact that in this day and age most marriages end up in divorce. When confronted with the possibility of "throwing a relationship away", you'll probably experience a lot of stress. There are some things you can do to decide if you are in the wrong relationship and if you need to get out.

I have written a few tips and guidelines to help you decide if you are making the right choice when it comes to divorce. This list is just a few key points that I think will help you. The list is not meant to be a complete list of all the steps you need to take, but will give you "food for thought".


1. Is your partner/spouse abusive? If your signifigant other has abused you in the past, they probably will do so again in the future. If you are in a situation where you continue to be abused you need to GET OUT IMMEDIATELY! Abuse usually get's worse over time. Even though it may be difficult to leave, there are many resources and support systems for batered people.


2. Has your partner cheated on you? For some people this is unforgiveable. If your partner has cheated on you you need to decide if you will be able to forgive them or not. Be honest with yourself. If you know in your heart of hearts that you will never be able to forgive them - you need to end the relationship.


3. Does your partner make more money than you? Perhaps you would have a better life if you left. If your partner makes more money than you, chances are you'll get a nice alimony (and child support if you have kids) - when you combine that with your own salary you could have a better life. There are some secrets to getting more money from your divorce and also saving on the costs. If you want to be ruthless and get everything you can from your divorce you will have to find the right divorce Method.


4. Are you happy in the relationship? Sit back for a moment and think to yourself "Am I happy in my relationship?" If you are happy, then great! If you're not happy then you need to ask another question. Ask yourself "Can I forsee myself ever being happy in this relationship?" If you can see yourself being happy if some small changes are made, then it might be worth your effort to get marital counselling. I want to mention here that the small changes must come from inside you. You do not have the power to change anyone else (including your spouse). If can't see yourself EVER being happy you should probably get out of the relationship.


5. Is there anything wrong with Divorce? This is a moral decision you need to decide for YOURSELF. When people are confronted with the possiblity of divorce, they usually think about how other people will judge them morally if they get divorced. You need to decide for yourself. Forget about what your parents, priest, minister, rabbi, friends, co-workers, etc.. think about the moral decision for divorce. Take the time to think to yourself "Based on my experiences in my life, Would it be morally 'wrong' to get divorced?" This may be a hard decision for you to make, but you need to make it. You should not do something that you believe is morally wrong. You also shouldn't be obligated to not do something that you want to do if you think it is morally acceptable.


I hope these 5 points have given you some resources that you can decide if you need to get divorced or not. The decision to divorce is never easy, but you do have options. You need to be able to look at your life as whole and decide if it is good or bad. You also need to look at every possible aspect of your relationship with your spouse and see if the good outweighs the bad, or if the bad outweighs the good. Sometimes your judgement is clouded when you only focus on the good or only on the bad. The bottom line is to do what you need to do to have a more fulfilling and happy life.

by Kyle Chambers

dating is tough, but it's tougher for women who are divorced and widowed. Along with the fears of being "out of practice," there are often children's feelings to consider.

How can a single mother enjoy a new romance without lying awake at night worrying about doing emotional damage to her children? Personal Strengths and Life Coach Sue Tosto of Garfield, New Jersey provides the answers.


1. How soon after divorce or the death of a husband is it appropriate to start dating?


It depends on the individual, but anyone going through a divorce should wait at least six months to one year before even considering dating someone new. Emotions are running high, and a person needs time to heal before putting herself back on the market. Some newly divorced or widowed people jump into relationships too early because they're afraid of being alone. That's almost always a mistake.


The first year after a divorce is the time to re-group and focus on making new friendships. A woman can reflect on all the things she wanted to do when she was married but didn't. This is a rough time emotionally, but it helps to view it as a fresh start. It's the perfect time to re-develop a sense of self and decide what one really wants in life. A woman can consider what she hopes for in a new relationship and let go of the past in the process.


dating after the death of a husband or partner is also not recommended for at least one full year. Two years is even better. The grieving process should never be rushed, and the length of time it takes for the bereaved to move on varies according to the individual.


Other matters to consider before dating include waiting until estate matters have been handled, i.e., insurance matters, review of the will, and the assignment of an executor or executrix if necessary. The stress a new relationship can cause during this emotional time is not recommended.


As with divorce, this is a time to spend with friends. It also helps to join a support group of others who have lost a loved one.


2. How long should the mother wait before introducing a new boyfriend to her children?


She should know him at least six months to a year. Otherwise, if she decides after dating him for 4 months that the relationship is going nowhere, the children will inevitably feel another loss. No child should be put through that after going through divorce or death of a parent. Children need time to heal as well. If the new man doesn't respect that, he's probably not great boyfriend material.


The first three months of a relationship is the honeymoon period. Everything is fresh and exciting. After around six months, the couple tends to relax and good behavior wears off. A woman gets to see what she's really dealing with. Before she introduces her new beau to her children, she needs to find out what his goals are, to see if his values and beliefs are consistent with hers, and really develop a friendship with him.


3. What is the best way to introduce a new boyfriend?


Once a woman decides to start dating, she should explain it to each of her children in an age-appropriate manner. After she and a new partner have spent six months to a year together, she can start telling the children things about him, particularly what she likes about him or little stories about places they've gone together. This way the children understand that Mom is still Mom, which is critical, but they'll also see that she's happier. They will slowly make the adjustment that they may soon share her with somebody else. Inevitably, the children will become curious about him. They may ask to meet him. I think it is wise to slowly incorporate the new partner into the family.


4. How should she handle it if the child resents the new relationship? Should she stop seeing the boyfriend?


Children will often resent a new relationship for the simple reason that they now have to share their mother with someone else. A woman can reassure her children that even though she is going out, she is coming back home to them. She should continue do the things with them she always did. Before she even starts dating, it might help to hire a babysitter and use the afternoon to go shopping, just to get the children accustomed to seeing her go out every once in a while.


Observing the children's reactions while the new man is around should provide some clues to other causes of resentment. A woman should also gently ask her children why they don't like her new partner. She should remember, though, that some children may not know exactly how to express why they dislike someone. It's important to tread carefully. A new relationship is stressful for the whole family.


If the children are really having a hard time with it, family counseling can get to the root of the problem, especially if all other avenues have been exhausted. The most important thing a single parent can do is to treat her children the same way she did before she met the new partner.


5. Is it ever acceptable to allow the boyfriend to sleep over, or should the couple book a babysitter and get a room?


Get a room, unless the kids are at Dad's for the weekend. Children don't need to see some stranger coming out of Mom's room in the morning (or their Dad's, either). A new relationship is exciting and the partners are certainly entitled to time alone, but a single parent must handle it delicately and deliberately. Her (or his) behavior will instruct the children about man/woman relationships in ways they will carry around with them for the rest of their lives.

by Terry MacDonald

BEAUMONT - A couple in the middle of a messy divorce was found shot to death in their North End home Wednesday in what police believe was a murder-suicide.

Keith O'Hanlon, 62, and Nelda Jane O'Hanlon, 57, were found dead at their house in the 5200 block of Ada Street.

The bodies were discovered lying on the floor of the living room around 12:20 p.m. by a lawn service company worker, who contacted police.

"At this point it appears to be murder-suicide," Beaumont Police Lt. Charles Tyler said, although he did not say who shot whom.

If it is a murder-suicide, it would be the second in Jefferson County in less than two weeks.

In the very early morning of June 30, Jefferson County authorities say Richard Jennings of China killed his wife and two of three children before turning the weapon on himself. His 13-year-old son escaped and went to get help.

In Wednesday's case in Beaumont, there was no evidence of an intruder, he added.

A handgun was found at the scene, and both bodies were taken to the Jefferson County morgue for autopsies.

The worker looked through a back window and saw the two lying on the floor, said Carmen Apple, Beaumont police spokeswoman.

The couple had been dead about two hours before they were found, Apple added.

According to court documents, Nelda Jane O'Hanlon filed for divorce in April after almost 32 years of marriage.

A court order issued in May gave her exclusive use of the home, but she had to pay Keith O'Hanlon $500 a month for two months.

The order also gave her use of the couple's Ford van, while he got the Chevrolet pickup.

Keith O'Hanlon was distraught and was afraid he would lose everything -including the house and retirement accounts - in the divorce, said a neighbor who spoke to him about a week ago.

"He felt like he was getting the short end of the stick," said Rebecca Schlegel, who lives across the street from the couple.

Keith O'Hanlon, who had been living with his son, seemed like a friendly, outgoing person, Schlegel added.

"If you were outside working on your car, he'd come over and offer to help," she said.

Other court documents show Keith O'Hanlon had filed for divorce in 1998, but the case was dismissed in 2000 after he failed to pursue the matter.

Even though the couple was going through marital problems, neighbors expressed shock that it had ended in violence.

"The way (Keith O'Hanlon) loved his family, I thought they'd work it out and he'd be back quick," said Rodney Mitchell, who also lives across the street.

By: Rolando Garcia and Dee Dixon,

Nancy Cummings did not anticipate the end of her 12-year marriage. When her husband filed for divorce, Cummings was stunned.
"A whole swell of emotions came through like, oh my God, my life is ending," Cummings said. "It almost felt like a death."


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But after the initial shock, Cummings experienced a new set of problems. She hadn't lived alone for more than 12 years, and now she would have to clean the air-conditioning filters? Take out the trash? Worry about her security?
Overwhelmed, Cummings sought help. She called Memphis-based psychologist Rebecca Caperton and met with her three times for divorce coaching -- that is, perspective and guidance on how to pick up her life at the end of her marriage.

Divorce coaching isn't therapy. Coaches are often trained psychologists (though not exclusively), but they do not take a traditional therapist's role. Instead, they lend guidance and perspective. They also help clients set practical goals for their new single lives.

"Rebecca was more of a sounding board," Cummings said. "She reassured me that what I was feeling was normal. She set me on track and helped me realize that it was OK for me to feel scared."

Divorce coaching is gaining popularity in the Memphis area, sparking interest from divorce lawyers and psychologists alike. And with about one in two marriages winding up in divorce court, there is no shortage of demand for sound advice.

In June, psychologists from the Memphis Area Psychological Association (MAPA) met with Miles Mason, founding partner of Memphis law firm Crone & Mason, PLC, to discuss the new trend.

Mason urged psychologists to pair up with lawyers. With a trained professional available to help clients on the emotional side, Mason argued that cases could go more smoothly and more quickly.

Mason encourages all his clients to seek this kind of advice.

"This isn't about depression," Mason said. Divorce coaching helps clients define goals for the future and set out strategies to meet those goals. It also helps knock common sense into people whose judgment may be impaired at the end of a marriage.

"Destructive behaviors are all too common," Mason said. For example, a coach will instruct clients not to engage in outside relationships that could reflect poorly in court, especially if there are children involved.

"You will often see people sleeping with other people in the middle of a divorce," Mason said. "This is not a good idea. It will not look good in front of a judge. If ever you are going to live perfectly, it needs to be during a custody battle."

But coaches have also helped Mason's clients with simpler scenarios. During custody battles, for example, parents often fight over who gets the kids and when. A common example: Dad bought tickets to see the Grizzlies and he wants the kids on mom's night. Should mom break the schedule and let them go?

"This problem is all too common," Mason said. A trained psychologist will be able to counsel this mom and help her make a logical decision.

"If the children aren't going to miss out on school, then you need to be flexible," Mason said. "Being flexible is often more important than being right."

Dr. Ray Gentry, Memphis psychologist and divorce coach, explains that coaching is a new approach to divorce counseling. Unlike other forms of therapy, coaches work with divorce lawyers rather than with other mental health specialists. During tough litigation, coaching can provide a healthy mental perspective.

"We are here to help clients realize this is a process," Gentry said. "We provide emotional information and explain emotional response patterns." This way, clients understand that their experiences are normal, and that they aren't crazy.

Unofficial coaching is often given by friends and family. But professional coaching is done by a trained third party who can look at the situation with objectivity, Gentry said.

Cummings said she experienced a sense of relief after visiting with her coach. Once she gained some perspective, the next step was figuring out logistical ways to improve her situation.

"We figured out what I needed to do in order to feel more comfortable, like get an alarm system, let my neighbors know what was going on," Cummings said. "This was a reality check for me. I knew all of this stuff, but I needed someone to help me get through the emotional cloud."

by Alex Doniach: 529-2581

The biggest mistake that people make when getting divorced is that they fail to plan. They simply decide to leave the relationship and then enter and ugly and expensive battle that ends up hurting everyone involved. There are some things that you could accidentally do that will make your divorce 100 time more miserable than it really has to be.

As with anything in life, you need to have a plan. The same is true for divorce. If you dont plan for what you want - chances are you won't get what you want. The first step towards having a plan is to know exactly what you want. After you know what you want you can plan to get it.

Here is an excercise: (Get our a piece of paper and a pencil. Write the answers down to the following.)

Decide how much money you want (realistically) our of your divorce.

Decide how often you would like to see the children (if you have any)

Determine if the divorce will be uncontested or an all out battle.

Determine "when" you want to be divorced.

Write down all the possessions that you want (realistically).

Write down any other 'details' that you want established in your divorce.

Take a few minutes and try to put everything you can on this list. You will always be able to add to it later.

Now that you have made your list, go back and reread the list. Cross off everything on the list that isn't worth fighting for, or doing hard work to get. You can save yourself a lot of hassle by knowing what not to ight for. If it really isn't worth it to you - then don't worry about it.

Important Note: The things that you crossed off the list as things you didn't want to fight for are things that you can 'pretend to be willing to fight for'! So when you negotiate you can mention that you have to have these things. Then you can "trade" them for more important things that you really want.

Now you have a list of everything that you want. Be sure to include intangible things like "peace of mind", and other concepts that aren't related to physical stuff. This is important because you will be using this list to get every thing you want out of your divorce.

Now you need to take your list and figure out a time line. If you want to get divorced in 3 months, you should probably already be contacting a lawyer. This brings up another point. choosing the wrong lawyer can absolutely devestate the entire divorce process for you. There is a way to choose the perfect lawyer but you can ask me about that later.

It is also important that you DON'T tell your spouse that you want a divorce until you have followed the right steps to make sure all of your bases are covered. There may be some financial things that you want to take care of BEFORE you tell your spouse you want a divorce. If you just lose it and tell them you want a divorce, they won't let you change names on the mortgage, car, checking account, etc...

So you need to plan ahead. If you can plan ahead things will go smoother. Now if you are already in the middle of a divorce, there are still things you can plan for and other ways to get everything you want also. You need access to come easy to use tricks that can help you negotiate for everything you want. This article does not cover those tactics because there are too many to list here. A key factor in your negotiating skills is making your spouse believe that they are getting a better deal than you. There are ways to do this. If you can't get them to believe they are getting a better deal, then you need to employ stronger tactics to get what you want. You will be able to use the items that you crossed off of your list as leverage in your negotiations.

It is vitally important that you plan for divorce with the right divorce method. From the list you just made, you can make a detailed divorce method of your own to get exactly what you want from your divorce. You should also seek out special techniques that will accelerate the results of your plan. If there is a way that you can tap into the experience of thousands of people to get results, you should do so. I am not saying this to be mysterious. If you read every last word of this article you will know where to find those resources.

Now take action and work your plan!

Wishing You Happiness in Divorce,


kyle Chambers

Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person's life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living "out of the habit" of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.

Eventually, you begin to think about dating, but it is suggested that you take your time. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. If you have worked outside the home combined with being a mom and wife for the last ten, fifteen or twenty years, you may have lost yourself along the way. Certainly not on purpose, but as most women try to do it all as "super" moms, many times we put our own wants and needs on hold to keep our families and jobs running smoothly!

Take a deep breath and let's start to rediscover our true passions and say... Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!

1) Treasure Your Gifts Within

Realizing we are all born as "gold nuggets" is a hard concept for many women to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don't like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list everyday. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent. keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It's already there!

2) Give Yourself A Break

During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many women feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time, such as working overtime or cleaning the house from top to bottom, but let this time also include pampering yourself. For example, barter with a friend or neighbor to watch your children or leave work early to give yourself this needed time. Yes, you do deserve to do something special for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a bath or a walk, going to the mall or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission - it's O.K. Remember, the happier you are, the happier your family will be!

3) No regrets! No bitterness!

Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the "what if's" and "if only's"? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself... are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! A quote from Buddy Hackett, "I never hold a grudge because while I am being angry, the other person is out dancing."

4) Enjoy the Little Things

Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the "good stuff" in life happens. Yesterday is gone forever and tomorrow's worries are tomorrow. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one's life.

So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull you back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!

5) What Makes Your Heart Sing?

What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them?

Why is it so important to be clear on what your life's purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and why you were put on this earth. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It's your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood? Floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its' own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.

6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?

Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, "What you think about, you bring about" or "The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you." When going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Recognize if your feelings are low energy or high energy.

A few examples of low energy are stress, negativity, fear, resentment, or a sense of lack (lack of time or money) and high energy is joy, abundance, happy, positive, love or compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how do you make a shift to feel more of the high energy?

First, acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having. Be gentle with yourself! Your goal is to make a shift, but realize you might not be able to go from low to high instantly. Start with baby steps! Repeat step number three and become present! Be thankful for what is working in your life right now. Do something simple like pat your pet, smell a flower or, if you are in the office, take a minute to think of a previous fun time or experience you have had that could bring a smile to your face. Feel the shift you are starting to make in your energy.

Now, to amp up this high-energy feeling, think of another time of joy or something you were passionate about in your life. Keep adding these thoughts to your high-energy feeling and begin to feel great! Does it seem the people or situations around you have changed or is it you who has really changed? So, who has the power to feel their own joy? When you are feeling your high energy, this is the time to take your next inspired action. Enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something with ease and less effort!

7) Be true To Yourself

During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn't I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn't feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels good or right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.

Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say yes, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don't want to or have to?

How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes, yet, find yourself having doubts, try this . STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to volunteer or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing might not be right for you. If you are still excited, join the committee and have fun!

divorce is not easy or fun, but you can make it through this time of your life by realizing you WILL make it! Also, honor yourself and listen to your heart! Your true purpose and passions are waiting to be rediscovered within you! When you have discovered the "gold nugget" you already are, you will start to live your life with more ease and enjoy the feeling of peace. "You are truly free!"


Copyright 2004 by joanie Winberg. All Rights Reserved.

Successfully releasing your anger will help you begin healing after your divorce. Right now you may feel a great deal of rage at your ex-husband. You might be thinking that if it weren’t for him, your life wouldn’t be so messed up. These feelings are actually a necessary part of your healing.
Acknowledging Your Anger

Wouldn’t you just love to tell him what a sorry human being he is? How he didn’t respect you and treated you like dirt. Well, do It! Take a piece of paper and write down everything that he did wrong. Release all the anger that has been bottled up. Get it all off your chest. Tell him how he hurt your feelings and how you suffered to make the marriage work. Don’t be surprised if this letter goes on for pages, just get it all out.

Now for the important part.......Do Not Give Him This Letter. It would only re-enforce the impact that he had on your life. Burn it or throw it away. Allow yourself to release that anger and resentment. It’s over and done with. You’ve acknowledged the hurt and are now ready to figure out what went wrong and move on.


Gaining Insight

Gaining insight into why your marriage failed helps you to move on to healthier relationships in the future. Start by thinking about what attracted you to him in the first place. Maybe he was handsome, strong, or wealthy. What benefits did you get from the marriage? Maybe it was security, companionship, or a sense of belonging. These are the things that are important to your core being, and the difficulties in your marriage probably stemmed from threats to these areas.

Perspective

Knowing what part he played in the problems is easy, but you also need to recognize how you contributed. Owning up to responsibility is probably the hardest part.

Most women grew up with the image of the “White Knight” who rides in and takes charge. The princess falls in love and stands behind her man. The only problem is that this fairy tale usually doesn’t have a happy ending because the power of choice is removed. You are swept through life by circumstances and decisions of others.

If you can own up to your participation in the marriage, you have gained power. For example, by admitting that you stayed in a bad marriage for economic reasons, you therefore, can choose to find a good paying job and leave. When your perspective is one of choice, you gain power and control over your life.

Admitting that you put up with a bad situation out of choice allows you now to make decisions to do things differently in your new life. Once you accept responsibility for your life, be careful to not turn your anger inward. You did the best you could in your given situation. It's in the past, and you now have the power to move forward. Release the hold that anger has over helps you to regain control over your life again. You no longer need to feel like a victim, and your self esteem will begin to rise.
©Tracy Achen 2001
At WomansDivorce.com we have one focus - helping women survive their divorce and rebuild their lives. (This article may be freely reproduced provided it is unaltered and the above information is included.)

The following articles can help you with the other emotions you may be facing during this trying time in your life: Quote of the Day
For every second you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back. - Unknown

©Tracy Achen 2001

There will be days when you will have doubts about whether you can make it on your own, about the children, about your decision, about finances. Thoughts of reconciliation may occur as you travel along this path. Sometimes reconciliation can work; however, without couples therapy and lots of hard work, couples frequently fall back into old habits and patterns.

Imagine the marriage you would like to have with this person. Imagine the changes you would like to see. Now ask yourself… is it possible? Really possible?

Of course, anything is possible, provided the other person is willing. Let’s assume that he is willing and you go to couples therapy, you work hard, you both change. Now ask yourself . . . Would it be enough? If your answer is no, then you are on the right path. Many women who have reached this point say that nothing would be enough. The pain, deception, betrayal, and loss of trust is so great that nothing could change those feelings. If you are one of those women, honor your decision to divorce and realize you are on the right track. You aren’t a failure or a quitter; you have merely learned when to cut your losses.

The desire to reconcile is often the desire to return to a known entity, to a familiar way of being. It is often the fear of the unknown rather then a true desire to reconcile your marriage. Some women change their mind and try again—not because they think it can work out successfully, but because they are afraid of the unknown of the future. The future is always unknown, whether you stay or you go. However, making decisions that are based on truth rather than fear is always healthier. It puts us in charge of our lives and our destiny.

Today I recognize that nothing he could do at this point would be enough and that closes the option of going back to the marriage. While that is sad, it also frees me to look ahead to my future without complicated “what ifs.”

© Copyright 2005, Donna Ferber. All rights reserved.

When do you need to hire a family law attorney and when is it okay to just use an online divorce form website to save a little money? This article will provide a few pointers to help you decide whether to do it yourself or retain a divorce lawyer.

What Does it Mean to Use an Online Divorce Form Website?

Essentially, using an online form website in your divorce case means that you will represent yourself and act as your own lawyer. All of the online divorce form sites have disclaimers making it clear that they are not your lawyer and are just preparing documents on your behalf. While it is your constitutional right to act as your own lawyer, there are some significant risks involved that should be evaluated before you take the online route.

Additionally, you have to evaluate the particular website you are dealing with. Most are national sites that offer forms that they claim will work in any state. However, every state has different laws. In other words, a California Divorce Decree will not be identical to a Texas Divorce Decree because the laws of the two states are not identical. So with an online divorce you are basically getting a generic form that may or may not work in your jurisdiction.

What if You Have Children?

While many of the divorce form sites claim to offer forms that address the necessary provisions regarding children (conservatorship, support, visitation, etc.), it is very risky to use these generic forms when you have children. You must remember that your divorce forms are being prepared using online software that simply fills in the blanks with your answers to very simplistic yes/no or multiple choice questions. These answers may not necessarily fit your situation or you may not fully understand the question.

This is where a competent lawyer can make a big difference. A lawyer will learn more about your situation and find out exactly what your documents need to say, instead of just the boilerplate language that the divorce website's software spits out. If you have children, you should take the safe route and hire an experienced divorce lawyer.

What if You Own Property?

Many of the divorce form sites also claim to offer forms that will deal with the most complex of property divisions. But when it comes to dividing any property beyond personal effects (clothes, furniture, etc.), it is risky to rely solely on generic divorce forms. If you or your spouse own real estate, vehicles, 401k accounts or other retirement accounts, or have any other financial assets or liabilities, an online divorce form will not necessarily protect your interests.

A competent divorce lawyer would be able to, first, analyze your situation and determine what property division is in your best interest, and second, ensure that all the assets awarded to you were properly transferred and the titles correctly recorded on your behalf.

Conclusion

Using an online divorce form always carries a certain amount of risk. If there are no children from the marriage and no property to divide, then saving a few hundred dollars may be worth the risk and the extra work you will have to do. But for most people, especially those with children or property, it is essential to hire an experienced divorce lawyer to handle their case.

by Scott Morgan

Selecting a divorce lawyer to handle your family law case is a very important decision. The following are a few important criteria to help in finding the right divorce lawyer.

Experience and Focus

Any divorce lawyer you consider should have substantial experience in handling divorce cases in your location. An experienced divorce lawyer will know the tendencies of the various judges in your jurisdiction and should be able to use this knowledge to your advantage. Additionally, that lawyer should practice primarily in the field of divorce law. Often people will hire a lawyer who practices primarily in some other area, thinking that any lawyer will do. However, divorce law is a very specialized field that requires particular skills and experience in order to have a likelihood of reaching a successful conclusion.

Past Client Testimonials

Perhaps the best way to decide which divorce lawyer to use for your divorce case is to find out what former clients have to say about that lawyer. While divorce is never an enjoyable process, some divorce lawyers have more success at satisfying their clients than others. If you do not know someone who has been a client of that particular divorce lawyer, you should consider asking the lawyer for a list of clients that you can contact who can describe their experience with the lawyer. While client confidentiality is important, any good experienced divorce lawyer should have at least a few former clients who are willing to vouch for him or her.

Accessible

When a client becomes dissatisfied with a divorce lawyer, one of the most common complaints is that they were unable to communicate with the lawyer. It is very important that your divorce lawyer be accessible and prompt in responding to your phone calls, emails, and requests for meetings. While you can ask the divorce lawyer about their office policy, this is another area where you can best evaluate the divorce lawyer by hearing what former clients have to say.

If a former client of the lawyer tells you that they found it very difficult to contact the attorney, or that the lawyer either did not return calls or respond to emails or would take several days to do so, you should definitely avoid that lawyer. Divorce is an unpleasant and frustrating process under the best of circumstances. If you are unable to reach your divorce attorney, or at least someone on his or her staff, the frustration level can increase exponentially.

Fees

When you make your initial appointment with the divorce attorney, you should inquire about a consultation fee. Some lawyers do brief initial consultations for free, although most experienced divorce lawyers will charge between $100.00 and $200.00 as a consultation fee, or will charge their normal hourly rate.

For example, I charge a flat $100.00 consultation fee with no additional hourly charges, regardless of the length of the meeting. Essentially, the consultation fee is to "weed out" those people who are not serious about the possibility of hiring me. Given that my normal hourly rate is $200.00/hour and the usual typical consultation takes about 90 minutes, the charge for my consultation is significantly discounted. Therefore, you shouldn't let a consultation fee scare you away from interviewing a particular lawyer.

During the consultation it is vitally important that you have a candid discussion with the prospective divorce lawyer about fees and what you can expect. Typically, an experienced divorce lawyer will require the payment of a substantial retainer up front, against which that lawyer's hourly rate and expenses will be charged. You should find out what that lawyer's hourly rate is, what the up front retainer will be, whether any portion of the retainer is refundable if it is not exhausted, and how often you can expect to receive invoices that detail their hourly charges and expenses. You also will want to know how detailed the invoices are. Once again, this is another area where you can get excellent information from those people who have been clients of that divorce lawyer.

Comfortable

While all the above issues are important, there is one final question you should ask yourself before hiring a divorce lawyer. Are you comfortable with that lawyer and are you confident in his or her abilities? If the answer is anything other than a resounding "yes," you should keep looking. Your case is too important to entrust to someone who does not inspire your confidence.

by Scott Morgan

America’s children reflect the effects of what is happening to the American family. Never before have so many children faced so many problems: physical and sexual abuse, crime and delinquency, depression and suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, emotional and behavioral problems, learning difficulties, school problems, dropping out, poor grades, running away from home, pregnancy, abortion and venereal disease. Sometimes these problems result from unhealthy social or family relationships. They also may arise as a byproduct of an unhappy marriage or a damaging divorce. Divorce can be a very painful and disruptive experience for children, with long-term effects. Some children manage to survive their parents’ unhappy marriage and painful divorce and grow past it; other children suffer from the effects for years. How children are affected by divorce largely depends on their personality, the circumstance surrounding the divorce and the parents’ sensitivity to their children. It is toward a better understanding of how parents can be more sensitive to their children during the divorce process that this publication is dedicated. When parents put the needs of their children first, and are aware of how their own behavior can either harm or help their offspring during this time of turmoil, it is possible to reduce the negative EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN.


by Waln K. Brown, Ph.D

The nature of the American family has changed significantly. A century ago, divorce was uncommon. Families were usually only “broken” by death from accident or disease. Children went to orphanages, were adopted or taken into families of surviving relatives. There were problems and unhappiness in such outcomes, but the economic realities of the time required that individuals in thrown-together families make it together because other alternatives were few or none. Today, however, more than half of all first-time marriages with children end in divorce. Most divorcees than go on to second or third unions with new partners, bringing together children of previous marriages and forming “blended” families. Such mergers can be the most challenging of all family arrangements. Not only does the new marital couple have to establish a harmonious relationship with each other, but each also must build relations with his or her stepchildren. Furthermore, the children must find ways to make it together, hopefully, with the love, support, guidance and nurture of the parents/stepparents. Not all attempts to blend families are successful. However, many of them, with resulting close ties, offer rewarding relationships, rich memories and the satisfaction that comes from challenges met and survived. The more thoroughly the families prepare for the merger, the more manageable the inevitable surprises and the greater the likelihood of success.

by Carle F. O'Neil, M.A., M.S.W., and Waln K. Brown, Ph.D