divorce help : A new profession helps people cut through the end zone of a long-term relationship
Nancy Cummings did not anticipate the end of her 12-year marriage. When her husband filed for divorce, Cummings was stunned.
"A whole swell of emotions came through like, oh my God, my life is ending," Cummings said. "It almost felt like a death."
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But after the initial shock, Cummings experienced a new set of problems. She hadn't lived alone for more than 12 years, and now she would have to clean the air-conditioning filters? Take out the trash? Worry about her security?
Overwhelmed, Cummings sought help. She called Memphis-based psychologist Rebecca Caperton and met with her three times for divorce coaching -- that is, perspective and guidance on how to pick up her life at the end of her marriage.
Divorce coaching isn't therapy. Coaches are often trained psychologists (though not exclusively), but they do not take a traditional therapist's role. Instead, they lend guidance and perspective. They also help clients set practical goals for their new single lives.
"Rebecca was more of a sounding board," Cummings said. "She reassured me that what I was feeling was normal. She set me on track and helped me realize that it was OK for me to feel scared."
Divorce coaching is gaining popularity in the Memphis area, sparking interest from divorce lawyers and psychologists alike. And with about one in two marriages winding up in divorce court, there is no shortage of demand for sound advice.
In June, psychologists from the Memphis Area Psychological Association (MAPA) met with Miles Mason, founding partner of Memphis law firm Crone & Mason, PLC, to discuss the new trend.
Mason urged psychologists to pair up with lawyers. With a trained professional available to help clients on the emotional side, Mason argued that cases could go more smoothly and more quickly.
Mason encourages all his clients to seek this kind of advice.
"This isn't about depression," Mason said. Divorce coaching helps clients define goals for the future and set out strategies to meet those goals. It also helps knock common sense into people whose judgment may be impaired at the end of a marriage.
"Destructive behaviors are all too common," Mason said. For example, a coach will instruct clients not to engage in outside relationships that could reflect poorly in court, especially if there are children involved.
"You will often see people sleeping with other people in the middle of a divorce," Mason said. "This is not a good idea. It will not look good in front of a judge. If ever you are going to live perfectly, it needs to be during a custody battle."
But coaches have also helped Mason's clients with simpler scenarios. During custody battles, for example, parents often fight over who gets the kids and when. A common example: Dad bought tickets to see the Grizzlies and he wants the kids on mom's night. Should mom break the schedule and let them go?
"This problem is all too common," Mason said. A trained psychologist will be able to counsel this mom and help her make a logical decision.
"If the children aren't going to miss out on school, then you need to be flexible," Mason said. "Being flexible is often more important than being right."
Dr. Ray Gentry, Memphis psychologist and divorce coach, explains that coaching is a new approach to divorce counseling. Unlike other forms of therapy, coaches work with divorce lawyers rather than with other mental health specialists. During tough litigation, coaching can provide a healthy mental perspective.
"We are here to help clients realize this is a process," Gentry said. "We provide emotional information and explain emotional response patterns." This way, clients understand that their experiences are normal, and that they aren't crazy.
Unofficial coaching is often given by friends and family. But professional coaching is done by a trained third party who can look at the situation with objectivity, Gentry said.
Cummings said she experienced a sense of relief after visiting with her coach. Once she gained some perspective, the next step was figuring out logistical ways to improve her situation.
"We figured out what I needed to do in order to feel more comfortable, like get an alarm system, let my neighbors know what was going on," Cummings said. "This was a reality check for me. I knew all of this stuff, but I needed someone to help me get through the emotional cloud."
by Alex Doniach: 529-2581
"A whole swell of emotions came through like, oh my God, my life is ending," Cummings said. "It almost felt like a death."
Advertisement
But after the initial shock, Cummings experienced a new set of problems. She hadn't lived alone for more than 12 years, and now she would have to clean the air-conditioning filters? Take out the trash? Worry about her security?
Overwhelmed, Cummings sought help. She called Memphis-based psychologist Rebecca Caperton and met with her three times for divorce coaching -- that is, perspective and guidance on how to pick up her life at the end of her marriage.
Divorce coaching isn't therapy. Coaches are often trained psychologists (though not exclusively), but they do not take a traditional therapist's role. Instead, they lend guidance and perspective. They also help clients set practical goals for their new single lives.
"Rebecca was more of a sounding board," Cummings said. "She reassured me that what I was feeling was normal. She set me on track and helped me realize that it was OK for me to feel scared."
Divorce coaching is gaining popularity in the Memphis area, sparking interest from divorce lawyers and psychologists alike. And with about one in two marriages winding up in divorce court, there is no shortage of demand for sound advice.
In June, psychologists from the Memphis Area Psychological Association (MAPA) met with Miles Mason, founding partner of Memphis law firm Crone & Mason, PLC, to discuss the new trend.
Mason urged psychologists to pair up with lawyers. With a trained professional available to help clients on the emotional side, Mason argued that cases could go more smoothly and more quickly.
Mason encourages all his clients to seek this kind of advice.
"This isn't about depression," Mason said. Divorce coaching helps clients define goals for the future and set out strategies to meet those goals. It also helps knock common sense into people whose judgment may be impaired at the end of a marriage.
"Destructive behaviors are all too common," Mason said. For example, a coach will instruct clients not to engage in outside relationships that could reflect poorly in court, especially if there are children involved.
"You will often see people sleeping with other people in the middle of a divorce," Mason said. "This is not a good idea. It will not look good in front of a judge. If ever you are going to live perfectly, it needs to be during a custody battle."
But coaches have also helped Mason's clients with simpler scenarios. During custody battles, for example, parents often fight over who gets the kids and when. A common example: Dad bought tickets to see the Grizzlies and he wants the kids on mom's night. Should mom break the schedule and let them go?
"This problem is all too common," Mason said. A trained psychologist will be able to counsel this mom and help her make a logical decision.
"If the children aren't going to miss out on school, then you need to be flexible," Mason said. "Being flexible is often more important than being right."
Dr. Ray Gentry, Memphis psychologist and divorce coach, explains that coaching is a new approach to divorce counseling. Unlike other forms of therapy, coaches work with divorce lawyers rather than with other mental health specialists. During tough litigation, coaching can provide a healthy mental perspective.
"We are here to help clients realize this is a process," Gentry said. "We provide emotional information and explain emotional response patterns." This way, clients understand that their experiences are normal, and that they aren't crazy.
Unofficial coaching is often given by friends and family. But professional coaching is done by a trained third party who can look at the situation with objectivity, Gentry said.
Cummings said she experienced a sense of relief after visiting with her coach. Once she gained some perspective, the next step was figuring out logistical ways to improve her situation.
"We figured out what I needed to do in order to feel more comfortable, like get an alarm system, let my neighbors know what was going on," Cummings said. "This was a reality check for me. I knew all of this stuff, but I needed someone to help me get through the emotional cloud."
by Alex Doniach: 529-2581
